:(

I always said I would never complain about being pregnant.  I lied.  I am so miserably sick.  Crippling constipation, nausea, vomiting, heartburn, and fatigue.  The worst part is the constipation.  I have been doing enemas, suppositories, fiber, fruit, etc....  you name it I have tried it.  I haven't held my vitamins down in over a week.  I'm feeling like death.    I pray that this means there are healthy little ones growing in there.

Later, I'm off to take my fifth nap of the day....  seriously

Sick...

I am so sick still.  Dehydrated, vomiting, and constipation.  I feel awful...  That is all.

Ain't nobody got time for this...

Morning sickness.....  All day, every day.  I am so sick.  I minute I was standing outside talking to DH and the next I was on all fours, between a trash can and a planter, puking my brains out.  DH does not do well with vomit so he stood back and patted me on the back.  I can't eat.  I can't take my vitamins.  I can barely take my Estrace.  I feel awful.  I have an appointment next Wednesday with my RE, please let him liberal with the Zofran.  In the meantime, I have a small stash of Phenergan that I've been taking.  Except it knocks me out. 
My other symptoms are not bad.  I crave food even though I can't eat or hold it down. Today it's chicken salad.  I would kill for chicken salad on a croissant.    I wanted a grapefruit the other day.  That felt awesome coming back up...through my nose.   Oh and I CAN SMELL EVERYTHING.  And everything smells bad! 
I'm pretty miserable and moody.  DH keeps asking me if it is a bad thing.  Seriously it's bittersweet.  YAY!!!  I feel like crap that baby must be growing like mad!!!  Boo!!!!  I slept 14 hours yesterday!!!  

Off to go eat some Tums...  Yummmm

12dp5dt BETA DAY!!!!!

Today was the day of my blood draw.  I have been nervous for this for 12 days.  I had to go to my local lab to get my blood drawn because my RE's office is over three hours away. It's easier just to go to local lab and get it drawn. Plus, my local lab offers me half-price if I pay cash for my blood draw at the time of the draw.
DH and I drove over to the lab together, we were both nervous.  DH is a 6'4', big, gruff guy and he's pretty stoic.  We made a bet on the way over that if my beta was under 250, he  would owe me  an early Christmas present.   If our beta was over 250, I would owe him an early Christmas present.  Based on our last beta, last IVF cycle, on this exact same day, I thought I had a pretty good chance of winning. Our last beta was 176 . 
I sat on the couch and worried all day. DH had to work at 2 o'clock.  So then I started Googling.  The call came in at 2:39  from Alison.  She aid she had good news and wanted to know if I was sitting down.  My beta was 750!!!!  I immediately broke down sobbing ad thanking her.  I know I am not out of the woods,  however I am grateful. Since I feel  like crap, DH let me off on a Christmas present for awhile .
DH had to work at 2 o'clock I am noticing symptoms.  Last night, I had a patient in the back of the ambulance that started to vomit.  Vomit has never bothered me.  I started to dry heave and wretch right along with her.  I'm also finding I can smell everything.  I can still smell vomit. And I stepped in dog poop at her house, I can still smell dog poop. 

Thanksgiving

I am thankful to be pregnant today.  Though I am still unsure what is going on in there and it could change at any minute.  No real symptoms going on today.  I did not test today.  I am going to enjoy today.

DH is at home with his family celebrating Thanksgiving. I'm celebrating at the fire station.  I made roasted turkey breast with stuffing, corn casserole, mac and cheese, and a pumpkin cream cheese pie. 

And the drama continues. 7dp5dt **UPDATE~~~

I really wish that infertility could be a win or lose game.   The one on the left is last night and the one on the right is this morning

Yesterday, I felt like I was winning. I had a faint big fat positive 6dp5dt in the afternoon and I just went to the bathroom maybe an hour before. So I was pretty happy.  Fast forward to this morning 12 hours later and we still have the same faint positive.  It seems infertility has taken this into overtime. I've had a chemical before and it sucks%$#. 

To be honest, I am grateful for the holidays this year.  It takes my mind off the fact all this is going on. My bestie just called me to go to lunch and since I'm keeping this on the down low, I won't be saying a word to her. Normal people do not understand infertility or chemical pregnancies or things like that.  It's easier not to have to explain them. him   I'm scared someday though she will understand, she told me that her prolactin is high and e doctor says her hormones are all messed up. She wasn't trying conceive but having weight loss issues.    

 After lunch, I'm going out to buy  fresh baked Amish pie .  Rhubarb, DH's favorite, I think it's gross.

 Tomorrow will be my first day back at work since last Tuesday. I am ready to go back to work.  I need to be busy.  I went to work for a little bit yesterday and it felt good.

It's 11:11 make a  wish....
So I went to go get my pee sticks to show to DH....  and....  He said that so romantic.  OK, no he didn't but I'm nuts right now and can't stop.

That line is a ton darker......  guess I need to be more patient....♥

Today is the day ** Updated**

Today will be the day that I POAS. I am currently 6dp5dt.  I don't really feel anything. Anything I do feel can be attributed to the progesterone. It is an evil medication.
I took  vacation time this week. That was a bad idea.  I have been so bored. It is given me so much time to Google and search the Internet for everything. DH thought it would be  a great idea to work at his part time job and leave me home alone.... Jerk.
 So I'm off to start my day. I will update this post tonight with the results of my HPT.  FX!

Well, I'm wrong.  It's a faint line...BFP!!!!!!!!!!  Tears,  Holy cow.

4dp5dt

Today marks four days since my five day transfer. The urge to take a HPT is strong. I'm going to wait until at least Wednesday until I test. I don't have a good feeling about this, so if I wait until Wednesday I know that I'll get an accurate result. DH is ever so optimistic. I feel bad for him. This is going to crush him.
When I was at my consult with my new RE, I asked him if we were going to be the couple that never had children. He said don't worry will get you pregnant. Well awesome.
 I just want to get the beta over with and in my clinic to put me on the donor embryo list.  And I'm going to check into some other options for donor embryos.  When I spoke with my clinic before about donor embryos, they said that they did not have them available very often.
 In the meantime, I'll take all my medicine, drink all my water, and try to have a good attitude.

Not sure how to feel...

It's been a little more than 24 hours since my transfer.  The doctor said that the embryos thawed well.  I thought they were a little sad looking.  He said it was normal for them to be shriveled up but they were rehydrating.  When I asked the quality of the embryos he said "average".   Well, awesome.
I can say that the transfer went really well. I did not feel anything.  I was so out of it had to remind me to turn my head to see the ultrasound.  Thank you, Valium....
I haven't been feeling well since transfer. I was really carsick yesterday after our three hour trip home and slept until 7 AM this morning.   I am still not feeling very good.
 Here's a pic of the embryos from shortly after they were thawed.  

   I hope they are my ugly ducklings.

 

Now, the dreaded two week wait begins.

I'm hot and I'm cold..

All that I can think of is I'm hot and cold. You know the Katy Perry song. One minute I'm ecstatic, the next I'm numb.  I think I try to keep my hopes from getting up so that it doesn't hurt so bad if it doesn't work.
I think I've want to the end of Google researching things about frozen embryo transfers with five day blastocysts. I've Googled frozen embryo transfer after chemical pregnancy .Frozen embryo transfer after failed fresh. When can I pee on a stick after frozen embryos transfer.  You name it, I've Googled it.  But in my mind I know that every case is different and no one can determine our outcome.
 I will have my transfer in a little more than 48 hours.  SQUWeeeeeee!!!!   I'm to the point I'm just ready to get it done and over with.  I know that I can take a test next Monday and maybe get two lines .  I have taken all my medication and have not missed any.  I've been drinking water.   I think were ready.  I think that this is the best chance we've had so far.

 Meanwhile, darling husband (OH YEAH,  I had to spell that out) is on a hunting trip .  He has been gone since Friday and will not be home until the morning of transfer.  I have been left to care for his police dog.  I love this dog but he is a total jerk when my husband's not around.  tonight I gave myself some sanity and gave him 50 mg of Benadryl( don't worry I cleared it with the vet ) .  He has finally stopped pacing for the first time in three days and is sleeping.   Poor boy.   To top things off, we got a huge storm today and there is destruction everywhere.  I had to hide in the basement with the police dog and by dog.   The police dog thought this would be the appropriate time to poop on the floor.   He did it on the concrete by the furnace but it was still gross to cleanup.   He's lucky I love him.

 I announced to DH that I am going on vacation next..... By myself.

Here goes the lost hurrah!

It has been sometime since I blogged. I am currently in school studying to be a nurse. I work as a paramedic right now, but I realize I will not be able to do this job is a get older. There are some days after lifting heavy person I'm not able to walk because my hips hurt so bad. That's being said the school has made it incredibly busy for me and I do not have time to blog.
Sometime in the next 10 day,s we will be transferring our last two frozen embryos. I have been not Estrace twice a day for about 10 days now. It is making Moody and I have developed acne,  it's awesome. I am also taking aspirin, a prenatal vitamin, a B vitamin, a D vitamin, and drinking pomegranate juice. I go Monday for my first lining check.
Needless to say, I am incredibly nervous. I believe I may have Googled everything relevant to a frozen embryo transfer. I am pretty sure I found the end of the Internet. I've read on some blog that elephants were good luck for fertility. While I was out at Pier 1 Imports, I found a little elephant with a baby on its back. The tag for it read elephant with monk.  I think it looks more like a baby, so I had to buy it.

Also, I have been working on projects around the house just keep myself preoccupied. I decorated my front door for fall. I am turning an old sewing machine into a table. And I want to our local Amish auction and bought an old framed painting that I am turning into a chalkboard. They are helping me pass the time.

Please say a little prayer for my husband and me.  This is been the most difficult thing either of us have ever been through. Though we did have a conversation that even though infertility was hard there others out there that have it much worse than we do. We've decided that we have everything we need and the rest of the things that we want are just that "wants".  We will be okay either way.

((HUGS))

First FET appointment

I had my FET appointment today with my new RE.  I have been so nervous about the appointment.  I rehearsed how I would handle the appointment on my 1.5 hour drive there.  AS it turns out, I love him.  I don't know that I have ever met such an awesome doctor.  I felt a connection with him and I have trust in him. He commented on a shirt I was wearing, it's a shirt for a teen with terminal cancer in our area.  I can't speak about it without bawling.  He gave me some Christian web links about suffering and staying strong.  He cared about how horrible I feel but gave  me perspective.  I bawled my eyes out when I got back in my truck to go home.  I was so worked up I vomited on the way home... yay?
Now here's the hard part.  We have 2 blasts frozen, a 2BB and a 2BC.  I'm worried about the grading.  It doesn't sound good.  But he says no one ever knows which ones will be babies.  I explained if this doesn't work, DH wants to pursue another IVF cycle.  My RE feels we could do IUI at $280 each plus the cost of donor sperm.  He doesn't feel I need meds.
DH is now on the fence with our embies and is thinking that we should just do IUI.  I'm not totally on board.  I'm really at an impasse and have no clue where to go from here.
UGH.....

So....  It's been awhile.   I stopped blogging when I started school.  It got a little hectic for me.  But it's going well.  I'm smarter than I thought.

Little update.  Nothing.  We haven't done anything cycle related.  We have an appointment for FET on October 1.  If  DH's attitude doesn't shape up we will not be going.  We went to a wedding last week a fielded several, "Do you have kids yet?" questions.  Kind of soured his mood.

In the meantime, everyone else is pregnant around me.  FML.  I asked a friend the other day, when his wife was due.  Imagine how I felt when he said, I don't know, she hasn't been to the doctor yet.  We don't have insurance.  SERIOUSLY!?!  You tried for this and you have  no insurance.  Go F#@K yourself.  No, I didn't say that out loud.  I wanted to though.  But I'll just keep on keeping on.

Our basement is finished.  It's great.  We also mowed all summer in order to pay one of our cars off.  It was painful to write the check but it's great to have the title.

Confession.

I found this today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully, it's a good sign.

    
I got bored last week and wrote my first RE a letter.  In the letter I outlined why I never came back to his office for any further treatment.  I doubt I will ever hear anything out of him but at least he knows that I think he is incompetent.   I feel better. I also left a negative review for his clinic.  I owe that to others. 
            I now need to call my other RE's office and switch to another RE in his office.  I'm so pissed at my second RE.  I was applying for the Thrive study and was told everything was great, they were just waiting on my embryo quality from my RE.  Lo and behold, I caught him in another lie.   He said our embryos were wonderful he couldn't understand why we weren't pregnant.  As it turns out, for IVF#2 the two embryos were graded fair and poor.  I hate being lied to.  I'm really nervous.
           I've been keeping myself busy doing crafts. I sound like I'm at summer  camp.  I just need something to keep me preoccupied or else I find myself really depressed.  I made a burlap wreath.  I started out doing it one way and then changed my mind half way through. I love how it turned out. 

Research Study.

So far we have qualified for an IVF research study.  The study is for women who have had three consecutive failed IVFs.  It's not really an accomplishment but I have to work with it.  The nurse called on Friday and said so far it's a go.  Everything is free.  I'm so excited. Then the catch.  I thought the clinic was in Chicago, nope it's in Maryland.  The clinic that's in Chicago that is doing the study is very uncooperative.  Almost rude.  The clinic in Maryland returns my e-mails and calls promptly.  It's a ten hour drive or I can fly.
I'm torn.  I don't know how I will pull of a cycle in Maryland.  I'm in wait and see mode right now. 

Ohhhh, I got them.

I just received my medical records via e-mail.  I can't even bring myself to open them.  I know I need to but, I can't.  I'm going to cry.  Screw it, seriously in the middle of typing this I stopped, I had to see it.  They really did put in the report that my DH's first sample was azoo.  I'm going to make their lives annoying.  I will be at my OB/GYN's office early next week to deliver the records to him.  I feel vindicated.   Even if nothing comes of it, I told the truth and wasn't making it up. 
  Yesterday, I received my welcome letter from my insurance.  It was my welcome to our maternity club letter.  I was blue all day.  I told DH and he snapped on me for being depressed.  Really?  I've been great.  Getting a letter congratulating us on our baby and what we could look forward to was a huge kick to my chest.  I'll be OK. 
On the fluffy side, I'm doing pretty good.  I stopped drinking soda.  That's a huge accomplishment.  I feel better for sure.  I have a ton more energy. 
Oh the bar is done!!!!!  I'm super excited.  DH is so handy.  I'm a lucky girl.

Here's a shot of the pup.  I can't help but smile. :)

He helped me fold laundry then napped.

Waaaahoooo!!!

I've have been a little MIA for awhile.  DH and I are kicking butt at his lawn care business.  We have been gone everyday working.  We both took a weeks vacation and worked every day.  I'm back to work at my full time job today and incredibly exhausted.  I was glad to come back.  I like my routine.

In our evenings, while on vacation, DH and I worked on finishing our basement.  We are installing a wet bar.   We had an Amish family make our butcher block counter top.  It turned out beautiful.  And now we are installing stone on the front of the bar.  It's been slow going, we did not expect business to take off like it did.  Everything at home has taken a back seat.

As far as infertility goes.  I'm going nuts.  I'm ready to cycle.  Like right now.   Financially it's better to wait until fall, buuuuuuuuuuut CRUD!  I'm ready now.  I have no patience. 

Here's a pic of the basement.  Don't mind the Vader butt back there.  He's never more than a few feet away from me. ♥

 

 



 

 

 

 

::DEAD::

             The last wood chuck has passed....  I tried.  I'm taking it well.  I had low expectations. My dog has been sick.  He started dripping blood from his penis.  I freaked.  I rushed him to the vet. He has a bladder infection and an enlarged prostate.  He has to be neutered on Thursday.  I will worry all day but I want him better. 

              I'm bummed about waiting for my FET.  I want it to happen soon.  AF finally came.  I'm pretty sure my uterus is inside out.  It's been a rough few days.  A failed IVF cycle messed me up...   DH doesn't seem to get that I'm really impatient about getting the next cycle started.   I honestly looked up how to do an artificial insemination at home....  I'll be certified nuts before it's all done. 
Later,

I'm alive :)

I'm doing good.  Like really good. I've been sleeping.  It turns out the Ambien was what I needed.  I've been getting up early on my own.  I feel good.  I'm ready for FET but DH and I are taking on a business venture....  Nervous.  SOooo, I may need to wait until the end of October.  It gives me time to feel even better.  AF still hasn't visited but I expect her to mess with my head.  My period was a couple weeks late after my failed IVF cycles. 
I'm even cooking again.  I was in a funk.  Everyone knew when I stopped cooking.  Cooking is my thing.  I drive DH mad because I save every cookbook and cooking magazine I get my hands.  Hey, there could be worse hobbies.  So glad to join the world again.  I made the "Three Packet Roast" that I've been seeing on Pinterest.  It was delicious.  I wanted to take leftovers for work today but there was nothing left.
I'm still nursing one woodchuck.  Only one survived.  He is the cutest thing I've ever seen, Besides my gorgeous German Shepherd. 

And the basement is coming along well.  I love having a handy hubby.

 

And then there were two...

Three of my five baby woodchucks have died.  They are so fragile.  The two that I have left are doing very well.  One of then is huge and ravenously hungry.  Their new food that I introduced was sweet pea baby food.  They go nuts.  I hope these two make it!!!

 

As far as the baby front, DH called our fertility specialist on Friday and gave them a piece of his mind. They keep coming up with more charges for our treatment even though we sorted all this out prior to our cycle,   Our doctor is supposedly going to call us.  I won't be answering the phone.  I'm letting DH handle all this stuff, after all, he an do it without breaking down sobbing.

I'm planning and awesome vacation for us sometime this Summer.  We both need it.  I'm ready for sometime with just him.  All this junk has made me realize how lucky I am to have him.  Even if this fertility stuff never works at least I fell in love with my best friend.

Laters,

Fay

Well, I guess God must trust me a little bit....

My neighbor came over the other day holding something small and furry.  He had shot a woodchuck in his garden.  While picking up the body he noticed 5 little baby woodchucks, also known as groundhogs.  I have a friend that is a wildlife rehabilitator so I agreed to take them until I could get ahold of her.  They are so cute after all.

Apparently this time of year is super busy for rehabbers.  My friend is overloaded with babies.  She said she simply could not take them but she would see if any of the other rehabbers would.  No such luck.  She stopped by and checked on my babies. She showed me how to care for them, said to give them a few days, and release them at a nature preserve near by.  Whaaaaaat?!? I can't do this!  They will die.  She told me rehabbers only have about a 33% success rate so if two make it, I'm doing good.

I tried to get out of caring for them.  My husband told me I couldn't do that to them.  They were too little to let go, they will die. They are snuggled together in a cage with applesauce and bananas.  Right now, their bellies are full of puppy formula.   They are the most sleepy little things.  I have to wake them to feed them.

So, I'm a wood chuck mommy.  It's been good for my heart.  I don't cuddle them or spend time with them just feed and water them. They are adorable.   I want them to stay feral.  I guess woodchucks can domesticated and make fun pets.    These babies are going to be wild.   My German Shepherd is in love with them.  He stands next their cage and guards them. 

Something sort of similar happened last year after my failed IVF.  I went outside at work and there was baby robin laying on the ground below the nest. It had no feathers and looked pathetic.  I couldn't reach the nest to put it back.  So, I walked away...  circle of life, you know?  Later, I went and it was still there, only it was crying this time.  I picked it up and called another rehabber.  They were too busy too.  I have no luck.  I fed him canned dog food off tweezers and kept him near the nest.  Momma robin checked on him often. I would catch her sitting on the edge of the cage.  When he grow feathers and could fly.  I opened the cage and let him go.  He came back a few times.  People would laugh because a robin would fly out of a tree and land on me.  One day he never came back...
Enjoy some woodchuck pics!!!!

Wednesday....

Yesterday sucked.   Wednesdays were my day that I to graduate to the next week.  I would have been 10 weeks yesterday.  I was doing fine until I opened the dreaded Facebook.  A woman I know announced her pregnancy(second one this week) along with posting more pics of herself at the bar.  She smokes, she drinks, doesn't have any stability in her life, and parties every weekend.  Yet here she is pregnant.... And I'm not.  My line I say all the time is "God hates me", I imagine the bar fly on the other side of town saying the same thing....  I don't know if God hates but it sure does feel like he does sometimes.

Depression.  Yup, I have it.  Never thought I would.  I've never felt like this. I sit quietly, it's difficult to engage me conversation, and I have a temper.  I seriously screamed at my dog. I never do that.  I filled the Ambien script yesterday.  I didn't think it worked.  But my husband says that I was up talking to him when he got home from work.  I remember nothing.  I do feel a million times better with a good night of sleep.

I'm still hoping for my FET in the fall.  I'm working hard to save up for it.  I picked up to working 36 hour shifts at work instead of hiring someone and I have a full day of mowing grass today.  If I can get DH out of bed.  I hear him in there stretching but it's not looking good for rolling out of bed.

Oh, and technically I am a momma!  I have 5 baby woodchucks. I'm trying to find a wildlife rehabilitator to take them but in the meantime, they need feed and kept warm. My German Shepherd loves them.

My boring life...

My mind is so clogged up with baby things...  I cannot think about anything else.  It's craptastic.  We've decided to wait until the Fall to do the frozen embryo transfer.  I know I said that would not do the transfer but I think the best thing to do is leave the embryos where they are.  It's so hard to be patient. I just want this so badly.  Sometimes I wish I was a quitter, it'd be easier.

 We started a lawn care business last year and we are doing well.  I am free labor, as we would have to hire someone to do my job when I was down for the 2 week wait.  So, for the summer I will be weed eating, leaf blowing, and trimming hedges. My arm muscles are screaming, which means it's good for me.  I really enjoy working outside.

As for weight loss.   I'm going to try it. It's going to be hard since my husband eats like a seventeen year old that got left home alone for the weekend.  I'm cutting out pop first, we have to do this slowly.  I love pop. Ordering a water with my lunch doesn't sound appetizing. .  I'm thinking about starting this couch to 5k thing I keep hearing about. I'm trying to lose ten pounds.   I'm going to weigh myself now.

Here goes nothing.... 

My Favorite Doctor.

Friday was supposed to be my first OB appointment. I would have been 9 weeks 2 days. Instead, I called and changed my appointment to my yearly exam.   Pulling into the parking lot I knew it was going to be rough day because a hugely pregnant woman whipped in next to me a raced me to get inside first.  First thought in my head was "f*@k you"  I've been a little angry lately.  My thought of her was confirmed when we got inside and the receptionist told her that it would be a minute and she promptly protested that she was there for her glucose test.  Lady, get a grip, you're not the first and only pregnant lady ever.  I rolled my eyes behind her, the receptionist saw me and had to hold back from laughing.

I did pretty good.  I thought I would have a meltdown.  I had just a minor melter.  While sitting in the exam room the doctor was checking a baby's heartbeat next door.  Ugh, that was supposed to be me.  My Ob/Gyn is wonderful. I was so excited to have a great OB.  I was nervous because my pap was abnormal last year.    It turned out I didn't need a pap (it wasn't bad abnormal, YAY!!!!) so he sat and just talked to me for half an hour.  I told him about how our cycles had went at our RE, which he had referred me to.  He is requesting my medical records and calling the other RE in the office in regards to our second cycle that they screwed up majorly. 

Also, my OB is worried that I'm depressed and wants me to get straightened out before doing a FET.  He took one look at me

 

and asked about my sleep schedule and how moody I have been.  Sleep doesn't come and I'm short tempered.  Not normal for me.  I walked out with a script for Ambien and feeling better. I'm going to get some real rest and call him in ten days.  If I'm still a mess I'm going on meds and going to therapy.  Other than that I'm healthy as an ox, except I need to lose 25 pounds.  I'm 5'4" and should weigh 125.  UGH.  I hope he does call the RE.

DH's mom announced she doesn't come see us much because we don't have kids and his sister does.  I now understand why DH isn't a cuddler.  She has no nurture about her.  Pisses me off, I wouldn't put up with that from anyone else.  And she knows what we have been through.

In the meantime, our basement bar is coming around great.  It's a work in progress, but it's a great distraction.

Sooooo.... I'm moving over here.  I started a blog on Blog.com and every other day the server is down.  That just doesn't wok for me.  Though I did love my theme on their site.  Starting over will suck but I'll work more on it tomorrow.  I have a psychology exam to study for now.