I'm alive :)

I'm doing good.  Like really good. I've been sleeping.  It turns out the Ambien was what I needed.  I've been getting up early on my own.  I feel good.  I'm ready for FET but DH and I are taking on a business venture....  Nervous.  SOooo, I may need to wait until the end of October.  It gives me time to feel even better.  AF still hasn't visited but I expect her to mess with my head.  My period was a couple weeks late after my failed IVF cycles. 
I'm even cooking again.  I was in a funk.  Everyone knew when I stopped cooking.  Cooking is my thing.  I drive DH mad because I save every cookbook and cooking magazine I get my hands.  Hey, there could be worse hobbies.  So glad to join the world again.  I made the "Three Packet Roast" that I've been seeing on Pinterest.  It was delicious.  I wanted to take leftovers for work today but there was nothing left.
I'm still nursing one woodchuck.  Only one survived.  He is the cutest thing I've ever seen, Besides my gorgeous German Shepherd. 

And the basement is coming along well.  I love having a handy hubby.

 

And then there were two...

Three of my five baby woodchucks have died.  They are so fragile.  The two that I have left are doing very well.  One of then is huge and ravenously hungry.  Their new food that I introduced was sweet pea baby food.  They go nuts.  I hope these two make it!!!

 

As far as the baby front, DH called our fertility specialist on Friday and gave them a piece of his mind. They keep coming up with more charges for our treatment even though we sorted all this out prior to our cycle,   Our doctor is supposedly going to call us.  I won't be answering the phone.  I'm letting DH handle all this stuff, after all, he an do it without breaking down sobbing.

I'm planning and awesome vacation for us sometime this Summer.  We both need it.  I'm ready for sometime with just him.  All this junk has made me realize how lucky I am to have him.  Even if this fertility stuff never works at least I fell in love with my best friend.

Laters,

Fay

Well, I guess God must trust me a little bit....

My neighbor came over the other day holding something small and furry.  He had shot a woodchuck in his garden.  While picking up the body he noticed 5 little baby woodchucks, also known as groundhogs.  I have a friend that is a wildlife rehabilitator so I agreed to take them until I could get ahold of her.  They are so cute after all.

Apparently this time of year is super busy for rehabbers.  My friend is overloaded with babies.  She said she simply could not take them but she would see if any of the other rehabbers would.  No such luck.  She stopped by and checked on my babies. She showed me how to care for them, said to give them a few days, and release them at a nature preserve near by.  Whaaaaaat?!? I can't do this!  They will die.  She told me rehabbers only have about a 33% success rate so if two make it, I'm doing good.

I tried to get out of caring for them.  My husband told me I couldn't do that to them.  They were too little to let go, they will die. They are snuggled together in a cage with applesauce and bananas.  Right now, their bellies are full of puppy formula.   They are the most sleepy little things.  I have to wake them to feed them.

So, I'm a wood chuck mommy.  It's been good for my heart.  I don't cuddle them or spend time with them just feed and water them. They are adorable.   I want them to stay feral.  I guess woodchucks can domesticated and make fun pets.    These babies are going to be wild.   My German Shepherd is in love with them.  He stands next their cage and guards them. 

Something sort of similar happened last year after my failed IVF.  I went outside at work and there was baby robin laying on the ground below the nest. It had no feathers and looked pathetic.  I couldn't reach the nest to put it back.  So, I walked away...  circle of life, you know?  Later, I went and it was still there, only it was crying this time.  I picked it up and called another rehabber.  They were too busy too.  I have no luck.  I fed him canned dog food off tweezers and kept him near the nest.  Momma robin checked on him often. I would catch her sitting on the edge of the cage.  When he grow feathers and could fly.  I opened the cage and let him go.  He came back a few times.  People would laugh because a robin would fly out of a tree and land on me.  One day he never came back...
Enjoy some woodchuck pics!!!!

Wednesday....

Yesterday sucked.   Wednesdays were my day that I to graduate to the next week.  I would have been 10 weeks yesterday.  I was doing fine until I opened the dreaded Facebook.  A woman I know announced her pregnancy(second one this week) along with posting more pics of herself at the bar.  She smokes, she drinks, doesn't have any stability in her life, and parties every weekend.  Yet here she is pregnant.... And I'm not.  My line I say all the time is "God hates me", I imagine the bar fly on the other side of town saying the same thing....  I don't know if God hates but it sure does feel like he does sometimes.

Depression.  Yup, I have it.  Never thought I would.  I've never felt like this. I sit quietly, it's difficult to engage me conversation, and I have a temper.  I seriously screamed at my dog. I never do that.  I filled the Ambien script yesterday.  I didn't think it worked.  But my husband says that I was up talking to him when he got home from work.  I remember nothing.  I do feel a million times better with a good night of sleep.

I'm still hoping for my FET in the fall.  I'm working hard to save up for it.  I picked up to working 36 hour shifts at work instead of hiring someone and I have a full day of mowing grass today.  If I can get DH out of bed.  I hear him in there stretching but it's not looking good for rolling out of bed.

Oh, and technically I am a momma!  I have 5 baby woodchucks. I'm trying to find a wildlife rehabilitator to take them but in the meantime, they need feed and kept warm. My German Shepherd loves them.

My boring life...

My mind is so clogged up with baby things...  I cannot think about anything else.  It's craptastic.  We've decided to wait until the Fall to do the frozen embryo transfer.  I know I said that would not do the transfer but I think the best thing to do is leave the embryos where they are.  It's so hard to be patient. I just want this so badly.  Sometimes I wish I was a quitter, it'd be easier.

 We started a lawn care business last year and we are doing well.  I am free labor, as we would have to hire someone to do my job when I was down for the 2 week wait.  So, for the summer I will be weed eating, leaf blowing, and trimming hedges. My arm muscles are screaming, which means it's good for me.  I really enjoy working outside.

As for weight loss.   I'm going to try it. It's going to be hard since my husband eats like a seventeen year old that got left home alone for the weekend.  I'm cutting out pop first, we have to do this slowly.  I love pop. Ordering a water with my lunch doesn't sound appetizing. .  I'm thinking about starting this couch to 5k thing I keep hearing about. I'm trying to lose ten pounds.   I'm going to weigh myself now.

Here goes nothing.... 

My Favorite Doctor.

Friday was supposed to be my first OB appointment. I would have been 9 weeks 2 days. Instead, I called and changed my appointment to my yearly exam.   Pulling into the parking lot I knew it was going to be rough day because a hugely pregnant woman whipped in next to me a raced me to get inside first.  First thought in my head was "f*@k you"  I've been a little angry lately.  My thought of her was confirmed when we got inside and the receptionist told her that it would be a minute and she promptly protested that she was there for her glucose test.  Lady, get a grip, you're not the first and only pregnant lady ever.  I rolled my eyes behind her, the receptionist saw me and had to hold back from laughing.

I did pretty good.  I thought I would have a meltdown.  I had just a minor melter.  While sitting in the exam room the doctor was checking a baby's heartbeat next door.  Ugh, that was supposed to be me.  My Ob/Gyn is wonderful. I was so excited to have a great OB.  I was nervous because my pap was abnormal last year.    It turned out I didn't need a pap (it wasn't bad abnormal, YAY!!!!) so he sat and just talked to me for half an hour.  I told him about how our cycles had went at our RE, which he had referred me to.  He is requesting my medical records and calling the other RE in the office in regards to our second cycle that they screwed up majorly. 

Also, my OB is worried that I'm depressed and wants me to get straightened out before doing a FET.  He took one look at me

 

and asked about my sleep schedule and how moody I have been.  Sleep doesn't come and I'm short tempered.  Not normal for me.  I walked out with a script for Ambien and feeling better. I'm going to get some real rest and call him in ten days.  If I'm still a mess I'm going on meds and going to therapy.  Other than that I'm healthy as an ox, except I need to lose 25 pounds.  I'm 5'4" and should weigh 125.  UGH.  I hope he does call the RE.

DH's mom announced she doesn't come see us much because we don't have kids and his sister does.  I now understand why DH isn't a cuddler.  She has no nurture about her.  Pisses me off, I wouldn't put up with that from anyone else.  And she knows what we have been through.

In the meantime, our basement bar is coming around great.  It's a work in progress, but it's a great distraction.

Sooooo.... I'm moving over here.  I started a blog on Blog.com and every other day the server is down.  That just doesn't wok for me.  Though I did love my theme on their site.  Starting over will suck but I'll work more on it tomorrow.  I have a psychology exam to study for now.